I grew up on a farm in an isolated border county, and although the second world war was over.For a good decade there were still old soldiers wandering the country looking for work and some food. My mother was a kind and insightful woman, and knew that these men were suffering the after effects of shell shock, so she gave them jobs and fed them, allowing them to sleep in the barn.

My parents had been born at the end of the ‘great war’ and lived as young adults through the second world war so they told us stories some of which were connected to our ancestry for example my paternal grandfather had been killed in the battle of the Somme when my father was just two years old.

At that time understanding and working with trauma was limited and there was a belief that such men could not be cured but thankfully understanding and techniques for working with trauma and post traumatic stress disorder have greatly developed. Imagine how excited psychiatrists were when they discovered that, when working in groups with ex soldiers there were unexplained, at the time, improvements much more than when working individually.

It is not my purpose here to follow the academic progress of group work and its skills, but to attempt to highlight what has emerged from this and apply some of it to being human understanding that we walk, side by side with other humans and can support them by being attuned to who we are, and what we have to offer.

The crux of the, matter which has always concerned me is that we know ourselves sufficiently so that we can balance our own issues taking support when needed and using our own personal power and abilities for the good of others.

As a young person I always pondered how one helped another without becoming worn out, as this seemed to me to be very important, and not often taught sufficiently in professional caring professions Some of the following are things I’ve learned in that context.

When I help others, I must first know and be able to help myself, asking for help when i need it and knowing what space I have to help others

There is a walking, or coming alongside, others which involves being able to tune in to their needs.

What is your purpose in wanting to be a helper?

Can I be non judgemental compassionate and loving not advice giving except in dire urgent matters?

In group can I be quiet and present allowing the group to, in and of itself conduct the process.

Remembering ones own humanity is a burden and a privilege helping one to avoid arrogance.

The exciting thing about coming alongside another is that much of what takes place is like in the group of ex soldiers after the wars human beings unconsciously connect and this is almost like an electric charge and it is this relationship which does the work.

IF WE CAN’T BE STILL AND LISTEN WE ARE NOT ALONGSIDE !

The transition periods in life can be very challenging, as there is no doubt human beings do not find change easy, either change in the environment, or change in life habits, We have clear evidence of this in the last years. In fact the truth is that change is a big challenge not just to our comfort, but to our mental health. In some cases we may find that we react to change, even something like retirement, as we would react to a trauma,

How we react to retirement, may be difficult for some due to many factors for example,overall health and ability to be creative and find new ways to enjoy life.In my experience an important thing is to find something to do that allows one to feel useful.

Recent conversations I’ve had with Linda, Sheila, Betty and Josene deserve credit and ideas for discussion about encouragement,empowerment,service and conduction, so I would like to consider and reflect on these ideas within the context of transitions.

In the last blog we were looking ,at how Patrick had been handling the loss of his wife five years ago, and had now decided to hand over his productive farm to his eldest son. Patrick had always gotten on with his son, and he knew that he would always be respected by him, but that he would be changing many things about, and on the farm, to meet the modern trends, and the constant downturns in the economy which seriously affected profits, and indeed the question of going or selling up. Patrick was glad as he thought through these matters, not for the first time, that his son was well able to handle things, and after all , hopefully he would be there for some years yet, to encourage him and see him doing well with his family and Patrick’s grandchildren.

Encouragement is not always seen as a gift, that is the ability to encourage others, but it was one of Patrick’s gifts and he had grown into it through the years, helped by the love of his good wife. He did not know it was a gift he was just himself loving and without a trace of arrogance in his personality, accordingly he didn’t think he’d have anything useful to do to fill up his free time———– his gift had not been named!

For some tIme after the handover of the farm Patrick regressed and felt quite depressed, as although it was true he could help out he felt the loss of status, and strict routine he had worked within for many years, however having learned the skills of recovery he was able to weigh up his situation and to allow himself to have some down times but recover again.

The ongoing struggle was how to feel useful, and then his son, who had decided to turn part of the farm into a farm shop said’Dad why don’t you take the big barn and have some friendship groups for some of the other struggling farmers, I’ve heard there is a lot of depression amongst farm families, at the moment’? His daughter in law agreed to help him and so support for farming families began, and is still developing. Patrick being so friendly and encouraging was appreciated, and felt useful.

TO BE CONTINUED

SEARCH FOR YOUR GIFTS!

Patrick leaned over the gate, viewing the landscape, and the pleasant green fields that made up his farmland. He was approaching seventy, and had decided to retire and hand over the farm to his eldest son. It was a beautiful productive farm that had kept his family going for generations, through thick and thin, bad times and good inside the farmland, and also in society.

As Patrick looked out over the land he pondered on the brevity of life, and how he had arrived at this point so quickly. Life had been good for him in parts, but he had lost his beloved wife five years ago, and it had knocked the stuffing out of him,he missed her still even though his children were all good to him, but what was ahead of him now, for without her he was going it alone, without his ‘soul’ companion?

Bereavement counselling had helped him to pick up and go on, but he still felt the lost of Violet in every aspect of living, funny he thought, how little society appeared to value widows, and widowers, and were not very respectful, of the many skills they had acquired through life, and the wisdom they had accumulated through experience.

The old song ‘Walk on through the night’ came to mind as he stood there, it had been a favourite of both of them , sung at their wedding, the kind of song that was imbued with hope and soared through the rafters of the hall. If only I could sing it now Patrick thought! It seemed good to remember that after the night came the morning and the songs of the birds and nature’s beauty, and of course the work of his hands.

The word retirement seems like such a sad word, yet Patrick realised he had one last fight on his hands to look to the future and to allow the ending of retirement to open new doors of service to his family and to the community. He would celebrate and walk on finding doors and opportunities for himself and be thankful for his family’s love.

TO BE CONTINUED!

TAG SHAME DENIAL

Walking in recovery it is so easy to cheat through things like denial and feeling ashamed of mistakes and failures. If we think about the greetings we give one another, such as , ”how are you?” We might say fine when in fact that is far from the truth, but , as in your view people are out and about doing ordinary things, you feel ashamed that you are not’ up to the mark’ Isn’t it difficult to not meet the standards of the herd?

Those standards are ingrained in us by upbringing and society’s norms and mores and having lived with them all are lives it’s hard to change them, but now, having journeyed through recovery it’s possible to change , rearrange, and sort out some new ones whilst appreciating the old and keeping those which allow you to live in a new and healthy way.

Giving what society has been through, and because of mental health, it is easy to hide, to deny how we really are, maybe not quite, in the world as it is now, genuinely needing moments of escape to get a break from the pressures, and to feel ashamed and even fearful that you are not progressing as you feel you should.

Knowing and acknowledging truthfully how one feels helps to consider what is normal about those feelings and what is not so healthy and is challenging our mental health. It is useful to ask questions, such as :-

Who owns this shame?

Am I fine?

Having answered the questions a pattern of behaviour becomes available to sift and make it more healthy. I find myself thinking of Cinderella, inwardly beautiful but subjected to the cruel and greedy behaviour of the stepmother and ugly sisters. All my working life I have heard mental health services and provision referred to as ‘The Cinderella of the NHS’ , and somehow that didn’t make sense to me, it seemed more like the stepmother and ugly sisters, often demeaning, harsh, patronising, even dehumanising, but it is the Cinderella because in the overall story we see the rottenness which is hard to speak about, safer to deny, and keeps us in rags, yet with resilience we have the opportunity to meet our fairy godmother and prince, and so on——

The shame we often feel is projected unto us by others, and we do not have to accept it. At every level in society we are made to feel, if we take it, the cause of all the nastiness and corruption around us, but sift it, and honestly accept your own responsibilities. Within all of us there exists the characteristics of the stepmother ugly sisters, and Cinderella, the fairy Godmother, and the Prince.

We still have a choice so look at how your behaving to choose health and put things in their proper place.

IF YOU ARE FEELING UNWELL ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR HEALTH PROFESSION

COME ON CHOOSE HEALTH, THE SHOE FITS, MARRY THE PRINCE!

Following on from the previous blog I grew up in a thatched cottage, of a type which people now refer to as ‘of the grid’. I remember it with great affection, and the lifestyle that went with it. Whilst I would not want to go back to it I can say that that way of life has much to teach us about survival, and may be useful to us as we recover from the desperation of the past years, and current environment.

In a recent news reel there was a story of a woman who had, through life’s circumstances, found herself living in an ‘of the grid’ cottage. She begins her day at five thirty, going to collect water, that is a considerable distance away, she does this ten times a day, then boils it on the open fire ,for washing etc.It follows that she also collects her turf and sticks for the fire, and cooks and bakes bread over it.

Her day continues with her general tasks, and because she has no lighting she goes to bed at six thirty. Her cottage is in a beautiful scenic spot, and nature is continually doing it’s work all around her. It seems that when people ask to see her cottage she notices some can’t wait to get out, but not all.

Having lived in a cottage til I was sixteen I remember leaving it with great sadness. We went on the grid when I was eleven so that made a difference, but what was most precious was we, as a family were loved, and love and being loved is a strong base for effective living, the house you live in even if not a castle, becomes a home,

As we walk in recovery let’s pick up some of these things and return, or maybe for the first time create a loving base from which to develop meaning and purpose.

Life flies by in today’s world, and in the regressive somewhat fearful circumstances we currently deal with day by day it is good to stand and review, and in so doing , see and pick up from the mess around us that which is important for rebuilding a strong and meaning base for purposeful living.

If we use are imaginations it’s possible to consider the ingredients for so doing, and to allow ourselves to build these into our more healthy lifestyle as we are able. Once again we need to pick up and maintain the notion and practice of reflective living.

in our modern living we tend to rush around and often can’t hear ourselves think, so stop for a moment ,and see what comes to your mind, what can be prioritised in the mess, and what maybe doesn’t even matter, and can be let go.Do we really need a new kitchen every few years and the most up to date bathroom?

If the main ingredient for building a new base with meaning and purpose is to love and be loved then maybe material things take on a lesser importance, or are given their proper place. Life and health are way up there instead. We may not want to live in a cottage but the stamina and resilience of such a life has a gift to give us if we allow it.

I sometimes watch chef programmes on television, now, there’s the thing there were no televisions in the old cottages, and I confess I would miss mine, I would rarely make any of the recipes shown on those programmes, but at times the chef would talk of building the recipe parts up, such as putting a type of burger together. The analogy makes a point, so let’s build our strong base beginning with love.

My heart goes out to those of you who can’t at the moment do this, and who need the loving care of others. May you find comfort and peace and the appropriate care of others.

COME ON BUILD!

Reviewing our walk in recovery from time to time is a useful exercise as it can boost our confidence and allow us to see what we have learned and give us encouragement through our achievements, and this knowledge is useful to go back to when we just get fed up and want to’ throw in the towel’.

In the difficult environment we are coping with at the moment it is hard to trust anyone, even ourselves. Remember we talked of this in previous blogs, and as situations move and change around us it is vital that we ground ourselves into a reflective lifestyle, and keep hold of what is real, sound, and right. We know these things from previous knowledge and experience and we have been using them to survive in the global chaos we now live in.

The’ hard to trust bit’ is normal whilst not very healthy. I mean it is normal in our chaotic world at the moment as with the chaos around us comes an absence of structure that is necessary to feel contained in self and society.

Having maintained your sanity, which lets face it has been tested hold onto the truth and achievements that you have made so that you can check out your situation and what is going on around you.

With chaos there is inevitably corruption, as the human being and all of society seek to survive, already that is very evident in people’s behaviour and it’s so much of self preservation,and to pot with anyone else.

I hope you are seeing this for what it is and are able to use your reflective ability to hold unto truth and reality. It is right in my opinion, to question the validity of some of the very high prices we now struggle with daily as some will make huge profits out of others struggles and misery.

Look about you even if life has become difficult it is too precious to throw away as some are doing ,having sunk into despair, taking one’s life or that of another has become more and more common.

Reflective living and grounding yourself in what is right is to some degree the panacea for this, and can help you to continue your healthy and wellness walk, but you may say, who will support me in this stance? and there are always those that can be found. your job is to find them.

Where are you going with this you may ask? Well you need to make connections to give you support but you can also stand your ground.

Life experience provides us with pictures and as we look into these pictures you may see one thing and I another but if you are grounded and continuously taking a recovery stance you will know how to go on and on with confidence.

Corruption stinks it is down there with the dregs of society and the stench of decay don’t contribute to it !

LIVE IN THE LIGHT!