We have talked much about being grounded and needing to feel safe, these are extremely important issues, and have come into their own, as it were in the present times.

Many times since this nightmare began I have struggled to get out the door, and yet been unwilling to stay in and give up. I know some of us have more resilience than others but the need to be grounded and safe are common, and important needs for everyone.

As the insidious creature and it’s off-shoots rages havoc across the world we have all been concerned as to how we manage life in as normal a way as possible, and the tendency is to rush out quickly and in again as quickly as possible.However this does not really reduce the stress or difficultly of going out and dealing with life in its various forms. I find when I rush to the shops, even if I have a list I will come away without something which I really needed. I’ve found that these are often times when I’ve been in a rush and am not grounded.

Maybe you wish I would just shut up re being grounded and being aware of breathing whatever——— however it is essential for living more calmly and safely. Timing is so important too, if we time and structure our activities it contains us allowing us to feel more’normal’ Now there’s a word’! whatever normal is is often questioned and to some degree framed by our cultural norms and mores. Notice how often people who are really nice otherwise scoot quickly away from vulnerable people who they may consider’not normal’ We are at risk of being ‘superior in our normality.’

Healthy is a more rounded word we need to be healthy physically, mentally, and spiritually.In the current pleasant Autumn weather we can renew our commitment and life purpose taking control over our daily lives and living. Challenge yourself each day examine without rancour, what you are doing testing out what feels safe , and normal for you in the circumstances then lift your head up and get on with living as purposefully as you can.

WHAT DO YOU SEE THAT’S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD UP, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

Trusting and believing is not easy for anyone and is becoming more difficult today, as we now live in a very challenging world, but there remain many decent people, who are worthy of trust and accordingly we can believe in them.

The challenging times we have been living in have taken us into the very dark places of the soul, in terms of suffering and to living and moving instinctively rather than reflectively so the question arises, how do we overcome ?

The first thing in the idea, and practice of overcoming is awareness, no longer denying the enormity of the experiences of the pandemic, and the whole chaotic society, that has ruptured and without our knowledge or permission has drastically changed our world into a chaotic and unsteady place, taking us more and more into a world where we live through the use of devices and increasingly have more difficultly finding a human to talk us through procedures.

The word device conjures up, in my mind the notion of corruption, and included in this is the idea of ‘underhand deals’ It is true of course that devices whether of the technical type or the means of a plan to bring something to pass or not necessarily bad, but we need information and means of evaluation if we are to believe in them and trust their authors.

In my experience, reflection and observation It seems that the aforementioned circumstances have made us distrustful of ourselves and of others to an almost paranoid degree, so we need to restore our belief and trust in ourselves before we can move forward.

Recently I heard of a person who has received an invitation into a prestigious organisation, that outlined the gifts required for membership in a very high end way, instead of being delighted they began wondering who they were talking about and how on earth did they get chosen? Considering this I could see that the person concerned had lost trust and belief in themselves, and needed to seek this out again, in order to be of service to others.

The core of our being is fed on our experiences and nurturing from the beginning of life and even after much suffering it may be possible to access and know our qualities for living a useful life sometimes with the help of others. Indeed we must help ourselves and be balanced in order to have something to give to others.

Human beings need contact with other human beings in real time in order to restore their trust and belief in themselves and others yet society would appear to be pushing a more and more ‘stand to the back’ ‘device to the front’ approach, even as I write I am wondering about all the stink that could be occurring behind the devices. I know that people’s devices are part of their personality and selfish untutored desires such as the desire for power.

It is interesting that in the awful chaos of the pandemic, and global suffering the powers that control broken institutions would, and did consider and bring into power further changes removing human contact without devices. The closure of the bank on the street is a case in point.

The story of Aladdin and the treasure comes to mind each of us has treasure however cloaked it may appear to others at first!

USE IT FOR GOOD! GO ON SEARCH IT OUT!

TAGS POWER CONTROL ARROGANCE.

The long sleek grey car drew up at the lights, beside the ‘little polo’, the guy at the wheel touched his horn, and was almost pushing the ‘polo’ in its lane so as to take more space.The young women at the wheel cowered in her seat, trying to focus on the light changing so as to pull away, and was relieved when she was able to drive off. The guy in the sleek car moved in behind her, dropped back, and continued to follow her.

I guess you are waiting for the drama to continue, but I’ll leave it to your imagination. I want to use the emerging story as a metaphor for our title of coming alongside. There are many people who genuinely care for others and naturally come alongside them when they need support, such people are natural befrienders and encouragers, and for the most part do not push in to a person’s live with a desire to demonstrate their imagined omnipotence.

However there are also those who practise the behaviour of the driver in the ‘sleek car’ who think they know how to solve everything, and do not consider or desire to learn how to come alongside with respect genuineness, and loving compassion. It is such behaviour that is taking away power rather than empowering the other.

Each person we meet in life is unique, and due to such uniqueness will respond to life in different ways to the other, and accordingly will grow and develop ways of coping with life that form a type of wisdom and can trigger ideas of how another might find the answer to their pressing issues.

So you see it is being present in an non-intrusive way that supports and opens up avenues of service to others that may have more lasting results than roaring along in our big car blowing the horn, and demanding notice.

Power is a marvellous entity, but the misuse of power, which we can see all around us in our world today is a dangerous and cursed thing. It smacks of slavery. People who need to abuse others whether consciously or unconsciously are out of control, and seek to control others for their benefit.

The rotten thing about all this is that when we do not know ourselves and balance ourselves accordingly being able to give and step back to help another becomes blurred and one gets mixed up in the other and the interactions become damaging rather than helpful.

Many who seek to help love to give advice, which essentially, or very often has the effect of mixing up, or even removing the individuals choice and is therefore consciously or unconsciously a desire to control the individual. The large car pushes the smaller one almost saying, I’m big and powerful and know how to move, while you are too small and are likely to break down, The truth is that each of them, without a decent service and ongoing maintenance is going to break down at some point.

Advice. should only be given when physical and or mental capacities are challenged and direct interventions are required. However in various life situations we meet the arrogant over bearing behaviours of others, they try to ‘jack themselves up’ by being condescending, smiling at nothing, talking over others and smirking behind our backs, Arrogance , however, is often, a mask for under confidence, even rage at having being ‘put down’ in times past, and there may be a desire to return the favour by giving them a taste of their own medicine. In an ordinary situation arrogance is just understood by it’s dictionary definition and so rather than challenging negativity and misuse of power it extends it.

Let’s come alongside with humility sharing, or making available our experience like a store house of choice, whilst acknowledging that our experience is not necessarily the same we have been in similar situations and have a ‘kinship’ with the other.

Since last writing I have been reflecting on the above, as it seems to me that it’s the ‘nature/nurture’ debate all over again. How can a person, born into a very disadvantaged life, often abusive and deeply traumatic recover, seemingly against all odds?. Maybe the resilient strands of hereditary nature can miss a generation or more than one, and the depth of trauma and deeply abusive experiences is really in the gene mix, a kind of ‘luck of the draw’ which , at the same time may point to the predominance of ‘nature versus nurture.

It’s interesting that, often people who are damaged by insidious disease and other psychological and physical traumas , as individuals may vary greatly in their ability to be resilient and recover,or at least rebuild a meaningful and purposeful life, and that such individuals as indicated above, do not necessarily meet the frameworks or academic understanding re responding to trauma, and providing supportive responses to encourage and foster a resilient stance within the individual.

Most of us ,in life, have either read about, or experienced trauma in ourselves and others, and have absorbed some ideas re seemingly positive criteria required for support needed to recover. It follows that the notion of ‘nature versus nurture’ is a useful framework for holding and forming a response to support resilience leading to recovery.

Such a framework allows for the formation of an informed approach to supporting someone in these roles pastoral, therapeutic, or befriending. Each of the aforementioned roles have a common purpose to come alongside the person, determining what they need and giving appropriate support.

Having spent much of my working life in training supervising, and practising in therapeutic and or pastoral, and self care work I would suggest that in regard to the courage required to work with their issues the manner in which one comes alongside is vital in allowing the individual person requiring support to build trust in you, this of course is true of all relationships from infancy and throughout life.

The difficulty is remembering when dealing with brokenness we are trying to reflect a loving and compassionate relationship with the other person which we hope will have a healing effect . An essential ingredient of this relationship is healthy and appropriate boundaries, for and within the relationship.

It is important to remember that whilst encouragement each to the other, is vital we always need to respect and understand the need for professional help, and sometimes the fact that medication is needed as well as supportive encouragement.

Confusion can arise in groups whilst they may mean well too many people are giving their view of encouragement and it all compounds, and even mirrors the traumatic experiences the person is struggling with, so it’s important to know if you are befriending and what that means, and what roles members of the group undertake.

However we roam and reflect on things that are complex and have incomplete answers I have found that there are some solid principles that support meaningful relationships with others, and in fact these are returning us to the basics. In reflecting on this I owe tributes to my friend Linda who often points out the need to acknowledge ‘rage’, and I have been considering this in recent days with renewed interest,

Some many of our approaches within helping organisations and befriending groups are ‘hushers’ my word. It is about calming everything down, and in so doing the rage goes into the background again and again. Now I want to emphasise that creating an environment for dealing with complex trauma is a specialised approach needing to be carried out professionally however whether specialised or not there are common features in any helping engagement.

Quality listening and holding is required, indeed if this is not provided it wont matter what else you do. I know that you may say, who do you think you are talking to? Recently I was reminded of the old film ‘Good will hunting’ made in the late 1990’s it portrays a relationship of a therapist [Robbie Williams]with a troubled young man who, nevertheless is a brilliant mathematician. The young man cannot conform to the usual therapeutic environment but Williams is able to eventually engage him, he hears, accepts, contains and reflects his rage. The young man rages and curses but Williams remains calm reflecting several times ‘It is not your fault’ the guy continues to rage but finally the holding, listening, and acceptance clicks the young man is heard.

If we attempt to come alongside someone without genuine engagement then our attempts can be patronising not loving and compassionate and not able to foster resilience.

In the aforementioned dialogue I made reference to resilience as a mystery and it remains so to some degree, but connections, each to the other need to be built on relationships where quality listening facilitates acceptance of the person’s story and allows an appropriate and genuine response.

STAND BESIDE ME I’M MYSTIFIED!

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about a project she was interested in, and our conversation led us to the topic of resilience. The phrase came up ‘the’ anatomy of resilience’ as I went on my way I pondered on yet another clever phrase which is an attempt to create a framework,or definition, for a somewhat abstract phenomenon.

A medical definition is given as follows:-

The capacity to respond to stress in a healthy way such that goals are achieved at minimal psychological and physical cost. Resilient individuals ‘bounce back’ whilst also growing stronger.

The American Psychological Association defines it as follows;-

‘The process of adapting well in the face in the face of adversity trauma tragedy, threats or even significant sources of stress’.

What is absence from the above is reference to the spiritual dimension of human personality and living. I found this reference to the above referring to the ability to ‘bounce back’, and it is this idea of ‘bouncing back’ which unites the medical and spiritual definitions, and is hinted at in the American Psychological definition also.

‘The ability to ‘bounce back’ as an immune system and to introduce the idea of ;-

I have

I am

I can

Another idea re spiritual response within resilience is that of a muscle indicating a parallel

with building up muscle just as we do in physical training.

Initially such an idea seemed simplistic to me , but on reflection I can see that resilience is supported through the many loving,and encouraging behaviours within human relationships. Many people are simply good at being alongside in stressful situations and don’t even think about, or perhaps know, the powerful affect this has.

In our current chaotic and upside down world I think we are searching for definitions for resilience in an attempt to grasp, or create a framework to live within, to know, in our desperation what do I need?

The internet is overflowing with views on resilience, one which is perhaps easiest to remember is listed as having four components, confidence control commitment and challenge Clough ,Peter. Teaching mental toughness October 2019.

The idea is to teach skills even to children as young as 9 or 10 years as well as adults of course to develop mindfulness, and foster activities within education to connect within relationships which give positive feedback enhancing self worth confidence control commitment and challenge.

Throughout my life time Cognitive behavioural therapy CBT has become the first on stage as a panacea for all ills,only exceeded today by mindfulness. Each of these have their uses and values, but finding resilience from different and difficult life events has been highlighted by the pandemic a massive event or events that threw the global populations into regressive states fracturing the stability of life and our philosophical and institutional frameworks, so we are now trying to recover within chaos.

I am reminded of the great titanic disaster when people cast to the sea with too few boats seeking to survive holding on or floating on bits of broken planks or other objects from the ship, the ship that was supposed to be unsinkable had gone down. I think it does not quite cut it, what could? However as I write I am fighting an itch in the form of a question how do the most vulnerable recover? The truth is maybe difficult to swallow as they may not be able to access courses on resilience, or even read this blog, and I have no smart answers today.

There is a need for people to feel renewal through finding a faith in their religion or world philosophy. There are over four thousand of these in our world today, but in many cases they have been found wanting by people who feel so whipped by the mess the world is in.

It is well understood today that the bonding period with newborn and mother has remarkable value for the development of self worth. Indeed the notion has taken root during my lifetime of mirroring when mother and child look into each other’s face for the first time. This bonding when continued throughout childhood becomes part of the ability to have and maintain a self worth. Many other factors come into play, but lets say this is the base for growth and healthy development.

I have, I am, I Can provide a good and easily remembered way to foster your need for resilience they resonate with an idea of self worth, and indicate development of strength and determination to achieve one’s goals.

After this reflection I am left with the need to state that no matter where one looks the notion of resilience still remains abstract, hard to define and somewhat surprising in the sense that those one might least expect are often quite resilient.

I have not taken the reflection into the realms of culture norms and mores etc but I am aware that, for myself, having grown up in a border community in Northern developed an inner strength in difficult situations which has enhanced my whole life.

LOOK UP

Recently, when out and about, I have noticed there is a glumness and withdrawn look about many people, hardly surprising you might say, look at what they have been through!

The above is a turn of phrase often used to excuse the behaviour of others, and sometimes even to comfort ourselves when someone is being difficult or nasty however, in my opinion,we do not often give sufficient credence or hear the stories others have been through with enough love and compassion.

I belong to a zoom group and sometimes I get frustrated with the lack of meaningful engagement or connections. Truth is its a wonderful platform, and has helped many of us significantly during the pandemic,and since then, it cannot replace the engagement and connective experience of face to face meetings.Such meetings are more important than ever before, as people need really need to share ‘soul to soul.’

There is often one within the group, at least, who will quickly guide the meeting by being all ‘upbeat’and talking about going forward, leaving the past behind. In my considerable experience , and since time immemorial,this type of behaviour has been a defensive position practised by the human race,and such behaviour spoils much learning from the mistakes and developments contained within the past.

It can also be considered as a type of ‘arrogance’ that takes little or no account of the individual, population, and global needs individuals and groups may require to move forward, and , as such, this attitude is the outside of denial, or at least denial at its most unhealthy.

Such behaviour reminds us that the peoples of the world have been deeply regressed, and desire to run away from the unbearable feelings of brokenness this has caused, to enter into the loss in this situation requires holding one to the other, the question arises how many are capable of this as we have all been in it together? It is true , of course that not all people have had the same experiences or as much loss as others, so there are those able to help.

Moving on requires appropriate facilities for grieving care of the workers being very important, without stable institutions Northern Ireland has suffered greatly in this area, and has been left with huge holes in appropriate provisions which needs to include supportive facilities for individuals and groups to lament and grieve over the experiences of the pandemic-the losses- and the ensuing chaos in the world.

After my husband died in the first wave of the pandemic I was obliged to shop for myself, and my Autistic son I experienced absolute terror going in and out of the stores. In ordinary times I cope with a lot and am unphased, but this was different. At times I felt like some kind of freak unable to get over this, as though I was one of a few who couldn’t just get on with it.

It is , however the case that many people have experienced similar feelings, and for some time, as mental health issues have been challenging a large proportion of the population at societial and global levels treatment is perhaps quite experiential, after all this is a new situation.

Having worked with severe trauma cases for many years I am interested in searching for answers, it would be so easy for people to just get more medication, but in many cases this is not the answer.

Recently I read about the current views re post pandemic affects as they are emerging within the global populations. One such effect is ‘Cognitive ‘Dissonance’ this means the cognitive balance may be affected. It is appropriate to mention that such an effect is ‘normal’ and even’ when you think about it, common sense,after all stressful events have always disturbed our concentration, and it is good to normalise what is happening here.

The internet is overrun with exercises , and other ideas to overcome and attempt to restore balanced cognitions, these ideas are drawn from various secular and biblical, and similar themes emerge in each case.

Living a meditative life is key and hard to return to given the aforementioned circumstances,but determination may help as one takes recovery seriously and it becomes our purpose ,even doing a small amount of breathing exercises each day is a beginning and may be more achievable as is the simple excercise of making small medium and larger goals to achieve ones aim of overcoming and improving our concentration.

NEXT WHAT ABOUT BRAIN FOG?

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Have you ever felt that you missed out on something important because you couldn’t take the plunge and go for it? I’m sure you are probably thinking, how stupid who doesn’t that’s life! does it have to be, it may be good to be cautious particularly when we are moving into something, or somewhere that is unknown to us but it seems to me that in the current chaotic times we are living through we do this because there is a lack of holding at all levels.

Whoever greets, at the moment, and in whatever context, the topic will invariably touch on the chaos and instability of the world often making remarks, such as, nothing for it just have to go on! Who would set out on a journey without knowing how to get there, or employing some device to tell us where to go,but living life and maturing into meaning and purpose is somewhat different, each stage in life experience has been traditionally navigated with support. Looked at simply we grow up, if fortunate enough to have a ‘good enough family’ within that families love and guidance, and eventually as adults begin to navigate life for ourselves.

In or within ‘good enough families’ we are being held whilst we mature in mind and body, the family has our back and when stepping out on our own we can return there for love advice and guidance when we need to, but the threads and ropes of such things as families and then when we extend ourselves into or connections and friends where is the help when the holding of the other is also threatened?

Pack animals have ways of supporting and signalling to each other creating a united front for living with the dangers from predators and sometimes lack of food but as the world has become increasingly chaotic their habits and ways of being have been threatened more and more.

Life in today’s fast world is like skating on thin ice eventually it cracks. I call for help, I receive it, share it, in theory it gets passed on but what if the other has collapsed due to the thin ice? Truth is we need to be able to trust our environment and holding mechanisms to feel able to live a healthy and purposeful life.

Society has cracked and become unsteady at all levels, and in addition the powers which remain seem involved in constant change thus creating more stress on a regressed and broken society.

Such a society without holding and grounding becomes more distrustful of each other in everyday relationships, and also of the struggling and broken institutions, if you look you will see this easily, and it is in the acknowledgement of the situation that there is hope for a return to more normal living.It begins with trust we need to build trust individually.

While we remain in chaos we are missing out on healthy and purposeful living so—-

LET’S BEGIN!