support and holding

In the last blog, we were looking at triangular relationships some of which are useful and good examples of supportive connections. There are many triangular connections within relationships which, when identified demonstrate to us unhealthy ways of living, for example, the triangle identified by Karpman 196

1 as a model of social interaction. The model identifies ways of behaving and connecting to others, and of which we are largely unaware until we are brought to a halt and find ourselves in need of examining those connections. Karpman identified the triangle as being rescuer victim and persecutor, we as individuals can alternate between these states and remain caught in the triangle unable to get out. To some degree it is game playing, but whilst we are at it we do not win or find the way out It is when we stop to take stock that we can become aware of our game playing and begin to change our behaviour and step outside the circle.

In his book, ‘The body keeps the score’2015 Van Der Kolk describes working with patients suffering from the after-effects of the Vietnam war and leaves one with a strong sense of how our bodies deal with the imprint of traumatic experiences, breaking down the sense of self and negatively affecting our lives and recovery. He continues with many stories and pictures of human development which need to be repictured for our healing. In particular, he cites Bowlby,s theories regarding the need to address deprivations experienced from mothers. He examines the beautiful pictures of ‘the dance of attunement’ in which the baby is described connecting with mother through face and voice tone and bodily and spiritual holding.

Another very usual example of a kind of triangular curse is the interconnected triangles within the family dealing with addiction. In order to keep the family together, family members take up roles and are codependent containing the addict or addicts within the family and enabling their addiction. All very well to state this but what happens if the family falls apart could it be that any family is better than none?

Thanks again to Linda Hanlon who reminds us of the compulsion to repeat and reenact old ways of behaving. In The Boby Keeps The Score [Ibid] the author tells a story of a young woman who had been gang-raped at gunpoint, after treatment, she did well and then became a prostitute.

In order to go on a healing journey we need another with us who is on the same wavelength:

The roots of resilience: are to be found in the sense of being understood by and existing in the mind and heart of a loving, attuned, and self possed other. Diana Fosha in The Body Keeps the Score [ Ibid]

The large and in depth topic of self awareness and personal agency keeps on emerging and is only touched at the tip in this blog however the previous scenario of the worker Zacharias highlights a lose of self and consequent personal agency, rebuilding these requires that ‘other’ who can stand in the gap left by the loss of them and the consequent reenactment of previous losses and unresolved issues.

The ongoing and insidious nature of the pandemic has stretched our stamia and strength to such a degree that we fear there is no ‘other’ that can stand beside us , dance with us, through our loss and regression because the pandemic has regrssed them also. Caring for others is risky and wounding learn to reknow yourself and pace your giving.

DO NOT CONNECT WITH THE OTHER IF YOU HAVE NOT WASHED YOURSELF.